you're the one to bring my body comfort

I've made sure every single blog entry dedicated for you has been erased so I won't have to be reminded of my dumb feelings. That's a total of 9 out of 10.

So goodbye to the wishful thoughts, to the false hopes & to the sleepless nights.

On a lighter note.. I smashed my keyboard & threw my phone across the room out of frustration. My face is swollen from the blows to the face. My knuckles are sore from punching the wall.

I will be honest & I don't care who reads this shit this time. I'm not holding back.

Earlier this evening, after my psychotic episode; I looked for my scissors I used to fucking own. I won't deny it. I wanted to slit my wrist & bleed out. I know what you'd all say: "Think about the other kids out there. They're worse off." Yeah? Well fuck you. I'm not in their position & I wouldn't know what "worse" feels like. This is what I'm going through, & this is the "worst" for me & I can't fucking hack it. I don't have the strength or the fucking will power to fucking go through this right now so fuck you for making me feel like I'm selfish for not being able to fucking cope.

Lucky for my left hand, I failed in the attempted search for the scissors.

I hate my Dad. The pressure, the expectations.. I'm quite close to losing my god damn mind. He makes me go fucking psycho. My room has been torn apart. I'm not joking when I say I go fucking psycho.

He's the reason why I ran away. I couldn't stand to look at his damn face, nor put up with the abuse I'd constantly endure day after day. He's also the reason I've attempted suicide so many times because of the abuse. The scars on the wrist. The overdose on Codral Cold & Flu Tablets & NoDoz.

Well.. It's all coming back & I don't want to deal with it anymore.. I regret not cutting deep enough to bleed out. I regret not taking enough tablets to choke on. I regret not being able to take the chance to end my fucking pointless life.

& to all those fuckers who haven't noticed: I might act happy & hyper & all that other fucking gay shit but fuck the lot of yous for not realizing that something's been wrong this entire time. Fuck yous for not taking the fucking time to ask if anything's been up knowing my fucking past you dipshits. Fuck you to the close friends who think they know everything about me when you don't even know half of what's been going on.

I hate the tenacious feelings of hopelessness. Whenever I try to turn to someone to talk about this shit I just get fucked over. To all those who say they care, you're all motherfucking liars. I've tried my best to reach out & get this shit off my chest but all I ever get is a fucking blank look & a pat on the back & a few kind words. Fuck you, I haven't even finished yet. Dickheads.

To you motherfucker, who wants to call me an attention seeker or a fucking emo: Go fuck your Dad's asshole & come 'round & eat my asshole 'cos I don't give a fucking shit. Dickhead.